For those who haven’t read my first post about Ella’s school refusal, you can get a good taste of that here. In that post, I told a story of one of the mornings I had with Ella where she was refusing to go to school. After asking how she was feeling, and discovering that she was scared, I had negotiated with her to break the school rules a little and wear black socks and yellow shoes. I felt that she needed to have some power back as she was feeling so disempowered and scared and black is a protective colour so is great to wear to help with feelings of being scared. Yellow is the colour of happiness.
Actually, after this day, her school refusal didn’t get any better. In fact, it got a little worse. One morning a few weeks after this, she was again refusing school and was being quite physical with me and I completely lost it. I screamed and yelled at her and I had to call her Dad who left work to come and help us get her to school. Now let me say that when emotions like this come up, it is a good sign that these are ready to be cleared. This was the turning point for us. Once at school and trying to be brave and hide my shame and my tears, I talked with the office staff and was referred to the “Junior School Behavioural Management Team”. For someone who is counselling and welfare trained and who has done a lot of research into childhood development and attachment through my post graduate studies as well as short courses in parenting, this was quite shameful and I really felt like I had failed somewhat as a parent. This is definitely not the first time that I have felt this way with Ella. In fact, it’s a script that I have been running since her birth (I’ll get to that in a moment). One of the staff members of the team gave me a bunch of material and they basically told me that I need to be stricter with Ella. I need to introduce consequences and I need to stand strong in that. Something didn’t sit right for me in this approach. I didn’t read the material and chose instead to trust myself and the information that I already knew about Ella and about parenting (and trust me, I have read/studied a lot of material!). I agreed that I needed to stand stronger (more that I needed to trust myself and stop second guessing or negotiating with her, part of my journey of that is discussed here and here) but I also knew that she was feeling disempowered too and that coming across too strong would actually disempower her even further, which is something I didn’t want to do.
Some of you may be aware that I have been studying an Energy Healing Course. I had only made it half way through before having my Spiritual experience in August and starting this website and through the course and understanding more about energy, I found the answers that Ella and I have needed. The answer was in her energy. Particularly in her birth energy. Let me explain. From conception, Ella had quite a lot of outward energy. During my pregnancy, we were surprised with how much she moved about, making big kicks often. We knew that she was strong and outgoing. During the pregnancy and birth, deep within me, I knew that I wanted Ella to be empowered in her energy. I knew that the birth was an important to that so in preparation for Ella’s birth, I looked into various natural birthing techniques, hypnobirthing, home birthing etc. that were more empowering and was feeling confident that we would have a natural birth in the hospital. 6 days after her due date, I went to the hospital for my latest appointment to check in and see how everything was going. As she was overdue, they sent me to have an ultrasound to make sure that everything was as it should be. We were told during the ultrasound that there was not enough fluid around the baby and that the placenta was no longer supporting the baby, that we would need to be induced that day. I began to feel scared and worried about my baby and the pending birth. They admitted me that afternoon to induce me. It was from this moment that many of the choices around birth were made for us and I did not feel empowered at all, in fact it was hard work and I was extremely concerned about my ability to birth this baby and for her to be born healthy. Now it is not my intention to dis out the hospital system, or to say that hospitals are wrong in their approach. Staff at hospitals do an amazing job and I am very grateful to the support I received in both my baby’s births. But, I am simply trying to show that there was a huge sense of fear around Ella’s entrance into the world and also feelings of disempowerment. For both me and Ella and the energy of fear, disempowerment and struggle that Ella was born into, was not conducive to building trust in ourselves and this mistrust of ourselves and fear that we had from that experience, has been playing out in so many ways, including in our relationship to each other and our struggles with the school system. The hospital and the school are both institutions so the energy was playing out strongest at school because of this. But we have also had problems with Ella’s sleeping and her behaviour since birth and also her health and a mistrust of any professionals to help us. I believe this all stems back to Ella’s birth. And, I have had problems with trusting myself, particularly with Ella and was trying to negotiate and please Ella (my people pleasing goes way back! You can read more here if you are interested), which in turn has been disempowering me even more and also reflecting to Ella that she can’t trust me either and thus the cycle continued.
I am happy to say that this has since cleared. There were 2 things that we did to clear this. The first was a series of energy clearings that I performed on myself about trusting myself and also about people pleasing. I started to talk about this in this post here. This energy was related to some of my childhood experiences too and my own birth so I did a clearing of my own birth energy and childhood experience as well. In terms of Ella’s birth, I actually felt that much of my healing and clearing happened during the birth of my second child, my son Bodhi (who is now 20 months old) which was so much more empowering but I also performed a birth clearing for Ella and I too. This has made all of the difference and has helped in every area of our relationship and my parenting of Ella and is why I have decided to teach others the energy clearing techniques. All of our behaviours, thoughts, beliefs that we are playing out as adults, stems back to our childhood. It can be in our birth, or it can be older. Usually under the age of eight. If you would like some help clearing some of your energy so that you can parent with trust and confidence and so you are not living out cycles from your past, you can check out the services I have on offer here. I only did this clearing recently so I will be sharing updates with how it’s all going next year when she is back at school.